Infertility can be a painful and lonely journey. No matter what your age or how long you have been struggling with infertility, it is a difficult road to take. My journey began in 2008 after I got married and found out that I may never be able to get pregnant.
I hope that by sharing my story I may encourage someone going through infertility.
For years I kept my emotions related to infertility bottled up inside. No one close to me had dealt with infertility, and it seemed like no one could understand what I was going through. It wasn’t something my husband and I talked about. I felt like I was walking the road alone.
- I was tired of hearing what worked for other people. My body and circumstances were unique to me. Just because something worked for someone else did not mean it would work for me.
- I didn’t want to hear anyone’s advice. Believe me, I had read everything that was out there about how to get pregnant! The most common advice I heard was, “Just quit trying.” If only it were that easy!
- I was tired of hearing, “You wouldn’t understand. You don’t have kids.”
- I was tired of being asked why we weren’t having children. I mean really, it’s a very personal subject!
- I dreaded Mother’s Day. When the mother’s were recognized each year at church, my stomach would get knots in it as I held back tears.
- I became jealous when I found out someone else was expecting. Then I would feel guilty for being jealous.
- I felt like I was missing out on something that I deserved.
After dealing with years of infertility, I had changed into a person that I didn’t like. I was angry, unhappy, jealous, and lonely.
One Fourth of July I was given my monthly notice, “You are not pregnant!” and we were to spend the day with family. I didn’t want to go and be around anyone because I was so angry that day. But I ended up going and picking a fight with a family member over the silliest thing. I looked like a fool who couldn’t control her emotions, all because I was upset with my life and not being able to be a mom. I later apologized, but I couldn’t take back what I had said. That day I decided that things had to change.
It took time. But slowly, very slowly my heart started to change for the good.
I read the book So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. (You can read my post about it here.) In the book she told me to face my biggest fear. For me that was never being a mom. After “seeing” myself at the end of my life with no children, I cried my heart out to God. My prayer went something like this:
Shortly after reading that book, I did a Bible study on Mary and read about her cousin Elizabeth. Elizabeth and her husband Zacharias were the first Isrealites to hear from God in over 500 years! And the message was that Elizabeth was going to have a baby in her old age. She waited a lifetime to have children. That is a really long time to wait to be a mom!
God had a plan. Elizabeth’s son was John the Baptist and he had an important job. He was to prepare the way for Jesus! This was a reminder to me that God’s plan is ALWAYS the best plan.
Then I came across Psalm 18:30, “As for God, His ways are perfect.”
There is no fault in His plans. It is so hard to trust God in the midst of infertility because all we can see is the pain we are currently enduring. But He can see from beginning to end. He is with us in the present trail, and He is with us at the end of the trial. What an amazing thing to realize!
After four years into my infertility journey, I heard the news that my brother and sister-in-law were expecting their second child and I cried. This time I didn’t cry out of jealousy. I cried because I was truly happy for them. Then I cried some more because I realized that I had finally gotten to the place in my life where I was crying for joy over hearing about someone else having a baby.
At first infertility changed me into a person I didn’t like, but it eventually changed me into a person I did like. I learned to trust God. I became thankful for who was in my life. I lived each day as a gift instead of wishing for a life I didn’t have. I learned to stand up for myself and my feelings.
My journey lasted a little over five years. I am thankful for the ways it changed me. If I were to give any words of encouragement to those facing infertility right now, I would say:
- Don’t let infertility steal your joy.
- Be the best YOU in this season.
- Trust the Lord’s plan.
- Be thankful for all that you do have.
- Don’t listen to discouragement.
- Don’t keep your emotions bottled inside.
- Find someone who listens.
Thank you for sticking around to the end of this post! I know it was long, but I have a lot to say about this topic that is near and dear to me.
Are you currently facing infertility? Or have you dealt with it in the past like me?