How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids: 3 Steps I Took

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I still remember the day I yelled at my 8 month old baby. He was sitting in his high chair while I attempted to clean up the kitchen after feeding him and eating lunch myself.

He started crying, wanting to get down, and I yelled at him. “I can’t get anything done! You ALWAYS need me!”

Then I began crying myself. Partly from guilt that I could be so cruel to yell at my helpless baby who of course needed me. But also because as a new mom, I felt so angry and frustrated and it all came out as I yelled at my baby.

I wish I could say this was the first and last time I yelled at my kids, but it’s not. When my son became a 3 year old, I was pregnant, and I struggled a lot with being an angry mom.

Age 3 is hard. In my opinion it’s harder than the “terrible 2’s” as the saying goes. My son didn’t want to obey and I was often impatient and tired. My knee-jerk reaction to his typical 3 year old behavior was to get angry and yell.

So when he turned 4, I knew I had to make a change. In fact, my new year’s resolution for that year was “a year of no yelling”. It didn’t happen over night, and I still struggle with anger as I raise my children.

Really, I don’t think dealing with anger ever goes away. Your kids will always do things that cause you to feel angry because they are human! In fact, I know I cause them to feel angry too. Especially, when I tell them “no” or don’t buy them the toy they want.

It’s okay to feel angry. The anger isn’t the problem. It’s what you do with the anger, usually yelling, that becomes the problem.

The following list of tips is what I have done over the past 3 and a half years to stop yelling at my kids. It has taken time for me to develop these habits. But having them as a go-to resource for when I’m angry has helped me tremendously!

How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

The steps I’m about to share are exactly what I do whenever I feel angry and want to yell, which let’s face it is multiple times a day. I’m with my kids all the time as a homeschooling, stay at home, work from home mom.

The book that helped spur me into action is Letting Go of Anger (affiliate link) by Annie Chapman. It’s incredibly honest and helped me realize I wasn’t alone. Her book also helped me as a Christian.

I highly recommend it!

Step 1: Freeze.

As soon as you feel yourself getting angry and you are about to yell, freeze. Take a moment and stop instead of instantly reacting to the situation.

This takes time to practice, and you have to be intentional with your actions and your words. Keep the word freeze at the forefront of your thoughts.

Remind yourself that the next time your child throws a tantrum, doesn’t want to pick up their toys, has a disrespectful tone, or whatever it may be, you are going to freeze instead of exploding in anger.

Take control of your emotion. Acknowledge the anger you are feeling, but don’t let it control you. Instead use self control to calm yourself down and choose calm words.

If the situation is bad enough, you may even have to leave the room for a minute to calm yourself down. Once your emotions are in check, move on top to step number 2.

Step 2: Ask what will make this better.

Think about what would happen if you choose to yell at your kids.

• Will it make the situation better or worse?

• Will it accomplish what you want done?

• Will you feel good about yourself or have regrets?

Yelling is easy to do. It feels good in the moment because you are able to get that frustration out. However, it rarely, if ever, makes the situation better.

Instead, it usually only makes your children scared and only causes you to get more upset and even fall into depression.

That’s why it always helps me to think about 20 seconds from now or even 2 minutes from now. What will be the outcome if I yell? What will be the outcome if I speak calmly and kindly to my kids instead?

This mindset helps me gain self control. It’s not easy, but it’s always worth it.

Step 3: Choose a different response.

So now you’ve gotten past the initial reaction phase. You have your emotions under control and you have decided not to yell. But you have to do something.

There has to be a response to your child and since your emotions are under control, you’ll do a better job at assessing your child’s needs and what you can do to correct their behavior or fix the situation.

Here are some things that I do:

• Ask if your child needs a hug. They may just need to feel loved and valued.

• Tell your child your expectations firmly and kindly. Let them know what the consequences will be for either the right or wrong behavior, and follow through the first time.

• Redirect your child’s attention. Sometimes they simply need a distraction.

These are the exact steps I take to avoid yelling at my kids whenever I feel angry. Again, I want to reiterate that there are times I feel angry. My kids do and say things that are super frustrating.

Just like there are times I feel incredibly proud and happy about my kids. So please don’t carry guilt for feeling angry or frustrated.

Those are normal feelings. What is important is what you do with those feelings.

Here are some final bonus tips to think about.

1. Remember that your kids have only lived on earth for X amount of years.

Sometimes they do things because they really don’t know any better. They don’t have the experience or advantage of years lived that you have.

When I keep this in perspective, it helps me not get so upset when they do childish things that can be frustrating.

2. When correcting your children, give them your full attention.

I’ve found that I’m tempted to yell when I’m doing something else while correcting my kids and not fully present. For example, I might be distracted by my phone or making lunch.

The kids KNOW that I’m distracted and don’t obey because they know I won’t follow through. That’s when I get angry and want to yell.

So I have to stop what I’m doing. Look the kids in the eyes and calmly let them know what I expect. Then follow through with my expectations.

3. Remember you are setting the example.

I tell my kids not to yell, to use self control, and to not say mean things when they are angry. So that means I need to set that example too. Motherhood is truly a refining process!

These are the tips that work for me, but I would love to hear other tips. If you have more to share, add your thoughts in the comments.

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